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The Passion of the Christoph by Christoph Paul (Excerpt)

The Infinite Jest of Picking Porn Titles

While getting my MA in creative writing I managed a porn store in northeast DC where the most important job was picking out which new releases we would carry. To do this job well I had to make picks based on our clientele, who was 80% older African-American/African, 10% Hispanic, 7% slumming gays from DuPont Circle, and a few old white guys who thought the Internet had spies and/or communist rogues. To make this important decision all I had was a fax paper listing the brand, theme, and title of the movie, with no pictures of the covers.

Yet each week I would pick videos that ended up selling, leaving my boss very impressed. So along with recommending we give out free watermelon gum (yes, we really did), he said he wanted me to create a report for a new employee on why I chose or did not choose a new release video so the uninitiated employee could learn the ropes.

As an aspiring writer, I took great pride in the assignment to show this new employee that we were not just picking videos, but engaging in the all-important subjects of the humanities. To finish the report I left the new employee a bibliography to back up my choices and educate him on The Infinite Jest of Picking Porn Titles


I always pass on solo masturbation movies. Men do not enjoy watching them; I think psychologically it plays on the male fear of being replaced and unneeded1. More importantly, when it came to aesthetics, my customers do not enjoy solo masturbation. One of our loyal patrons, Leroy2, an African-American in his mid-sixties, shared his thoughts on solo masturbation films, “I wanna see a dick up that girl, not some rubber; bitch ain’t driving a car, she riding a dick.” Touché’ Leroy, touché.


I needed to include gay titles, but it helped if they involved closeted African-American men. Our best-selling title was Secrets in Da Hood.3 Many times the movies showed gangstas4 consoling each other with their penises after they had committed a drive-by. Or they go to each other ’cause “the hoodrats5 just don’t understand what a motherfucker needs.” The covers usually show alpha-male black men wearing bandanas, staring at each other with a look of longing in their eyes. A definite yes.


Though I needed to pick a MILF title, and the movie below is a hairy genre which is also needed in the selection, but the brand Channel 69 is very poor quality and by quality I will use the term used in Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance6, which states “‘quality’ has classical attributes (good camera work, attractive women, tight editing) and romantic attributes (emotional performances, believable cock craving, and I guess what the French would call “Je ne sais quoi”—that thing you can’t classify but you like it). The Channel 69 brand lacks both and I would not purchase it for my customers.


I try to get at least one hairy but Channel 69 is a no-go. To add to the statement above I will quote one of our regulars Ralph7, “Nuttin’ ever good on channel 69 son; I turn that motherfucker off.”


This film would not be taken because the brand Heat Wave has received many complaints: “Sloppy girls and sloppy camera work.” I had one customer even complain that the “Heat Wave Hos” had ass implants8 and he could tell this because “they don’t bounce right, it ain’t right.” So for quality’s9 sake I would refrain from getting the brand Heat Wave.

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Genre – Humor / NonFiction

Rating – NC17

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Website http://christophpaulauthor.com/

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